Bricks

I have been working on my 'bricks' in  "A Course in Weight Loss".   The 'bricks' are basically a 4th Step inventory.  A great format though, I would recommend to anyone doing an inventory to check this book out.   Anyway, the biggest character defect that has emerged this time around is fear.  All my woes and crappy things I have done and continue to do boil down to fear and my reactions to and efforts to alleviate or numb myself to fear.   Almost all the fears I have seem to be unfounded, unreal things to fear as well as the fears I share with everybody else of the human race, death, war etc.  I still have a lot of the forgiveness work to do mostly with myslf though.   I have already done a lot of forgiveness concerning others and the real or imagined slights they have wrought upon me.
I have come to the conclusion that all those with addicitions are not abnormal.  In 12 Step groups there tends to be a lot of talk about,'us' and 'them'.   I have even used the word 'normies ' to describe social drinkers and users.   The natural human reaction and indeed any living thing is to avoid harm or at least lessen it, be that harm real or imagined.   In my case and many others I have talked to, I use and drink to numb myself from feelings.   Admittedly, this is a very dysfunctional way to do it but it is natural.   I have made it a habit to try to control my body and emotions through outside substances or actions.   I blame Western culture and one particular psychiatrist from my past who encouraged and reinforced this notion.  I am not trying to deflect blame from myself, now that I know all that I know, I have no excuse for not changing my ways.   I was led to believe in my early formative years and much of my adult life that if I took the right pill or pills I would be "OK".   This mindset has become firmly entrenched in my mind and daily habits and proven the most difficult to let go of.
 A lot to thimk about and a step in forgiving myself and letting my self off the meat hook for making mistakes and falling.
Well thats all I have for now, time to get ready to go to work.   Wow, it feels really good to say that!!
Steve

New Year

Hello all. 
 Here we are in a brand new year and a brand new decade, time to make the next step.  I wasn't blogging because I was really busy with taking Chinese class and teaching English   I have been back from Taiwan since Thanksgiving of 2010 and have a full time job, a car and have been back to doing the things that I love like theater, going to my church and being with my friends and family.   Living in Taiwan gave me the belief that I can literally do anything and that the world is just one giant oyster waiting to be opened.
I still have my spirirtual program going but I have lapsed in my 12 recovery work.   I fell off the wagon big - time in Taiwan.   I didn't want to admit it  and be a hypocrite  The only difference this time is that I didn't lose everything, because my faith and all that I have learned over the past 2 years has kept me from falling off the deep end.
Life is good now, I am working again and thinking about my future and planning for it, which is something I rarely did before.  I honestly believed I didn't have one, so what was the point?
I realize that continuing on the way I am going I will continuely be only slightly happy and never find out the reason I am here.   Those who know me well know that my life has always been this search for what my purpoe is, why was I born in this particular point in time to the parents I have and in the country I live  instead of some remote village in Kenya or something.  Continuing to use or drink at this stage is like watching TV with the volume on mute  or the picture slightly off. Sure, I can see the picture and everything that is happening but it s just not complete and fun to watch.  Plus, whatever I am here for I am fairly certain it is not to be a loser who slowly kills himself and causes pain for everyone around him.
I am commiting myself to a period that coincides with Rev. Beatty's group at Renaissance Unity using the book  "A Course in Weight Loss" by Marrianne Williamson as a starting point.  The book focuses not soley on weight loss but  how we become "stuck" in whatever patterns we have set up in our lives.  The patterns trap us in our dysfunctions in which addicitions and bad habits are a symptom of.   If you want to learn more about the book and the group go to renaissanceunity.org for more info.
The group lasts for 9 weeks starting from January to March 6.   I will make this journey using EVERY  tool and resource available to me.   Please if you have any suggestions or want to comment or talk send me a message.
That is all I have for now I have set my intentions and have a basic game plan set up.   I will blog  as often as I have any thoughts or news  to report.   
To all those out there whatever trials and tribulations you are going through my thoughts and prayers are with you.   My self inflicted woes I have always thought are small potatoes compared to what others endure in this life.  What cancer patient or war orphan wouldn't want to switch places with me in a second?  That has always been my rationale for continuing in my bad ways of life.  "See, you are a selfish  asshole who continues to shoot himeself in the foot every time."   I see now that I will never be of any real use to the world if I am not in a good place myself. 
Thanks for reading and have a great night.

Greetings from Taiwan

I spent a really long time writing a really long and heartfelt entry and then lost the data before I could publish it.  I told you I am a technology idiot.  That was infuriating and I wanted to put my fist through the screen but I didn't.  As they say, "shit happens".  You  have to deal with it and roll with the punches.
Anyway,  I have to get back to my homework and don't have time to rewrite it right now but I will be posting much more in the days to come.
  For those who don't know, I have moved to Taiwan to start a new life.  The 90 day experiment with this blog has come to an end, but the journey has only just begun.  I have simply found the path  now.  Its time to start the adventure.  Thanks to all for your support and kind thoughts. I truly hope someone got something from this or perhaps found hope. I know I did.


So long for now,
Steve

Back on Track

Hello all.   Following my use a week ago I got back in the saddle and set to see what caused  the "slip".   I was feeling stalled in working my program and felt like I had hit a plateau.   I was feeling resentful of AA.   Who wants to always have to go to meetings and do soul searching?  Besides South Park is on.   The truth is if I want to have a happy life and advance to the next level it takes work and effort.    Not working hard and getting complacent leads to relapses or what they call being a "dry drunk", which means someone who is not drinking or using but is miserable because they aren't working on growing or figuring out why they used in the first place.  
All the hard work that goes with working a program is still something I take joy in though, had I never come to the place that brought me to therapy and AA in the first place who knows when if ever I would have the spiritual base and serenity that I do have now.  It isn't perfect but it is a hell of a lot better than it was.  Whenever I start to complainn about it all, I just remind myself, well Steve how happy joyous and free did you feel while you were out?   That usually puts it back in perspective.
I want to share a gratitude story. Last Saturday I was "Slappy" the clown for the  annnualFraser Public Library Spring Fling.  For those who don't know, Slappy is one of my alter egos.   I did not want to do the gig.  I was dreading the 4 hours it was going to be.  I was not in a great mood.  First of all I had relapsed earlier in the week and I had been in a pity party mood for a few days.   I didn't have a enough balloons to feel comfortable because I didn't take the time to check my supplies and props at least a few days in advance.  The store I was going to get some balloons at the night before turns to have gone out of buisness so I was SOL.   I hadn't practiced any balloons or magic for a while and I felt really rusty.   I did the gig because I committed to it 6 months ago and I can use the money.   Anyway, I got to the gig and actually started to have a good time.  About 2 1/2 hours into it I was getting tired and a little crabby.  There were about 50 kids clamoring for my attention and I had to stop some older kids from playing with my props and balloons.  I normally don't mind but they were getting a litlle wild around the real little kids and I was worried about running out of balloons.   I was getting stressed and wishing the gig could be over right then.   I took a quick breather to take a large drink of water and as I was drinking and looking up at the sky, I was suddenly overcome with gratitude.   Here it was a wonderful sunny day, not too hot, a nice breeze.   I am doing something I love, having laughs with kids  and clowning around, pun intended.  How lucky am I to get to have fun and make a little money like this.  If I was dead or in jail or in bed feeling sorry for myself like I wanted to do that day I would have missed this very moment.   I looked around at all the happy faces and listened to all the laughter and excited voices and thought to myself, "this is what it' s all about, this is prosperity, moments like this are what makes life worth living".   I happily went back to clowning around with renewed energy and a smile so big I wouldn't have needed the clown make-up to amplfiy it.  I even stayed at the gig an extra half hour and did not run out of balloons.
Have a great day    :>

Back in Black

Hello all,
Yes it has been quite sometime since I made an entry.   I was having a real roughtime.  I did my 4th step with a therapist and took my psychic crap as it were.   I won't lie it felt great to get everything out in the open and take a good honest look at it and tell someone else where I have failed to be a good person.   I still didn't feel the spiritual transformation and psychic shift that the AA literature promises.   I was left with  that empty hole in my heart I tried to fill up with alcohol and drugs.   Long story short I used again and lost 2 whole days of my life I will never get back.   I didn't get in any trouble or do anything stupid besides the obvious.   I got right back to my meetings and told someone of my fall.   The shame and diisappointmentt that goes with breaking a long string of sober days is enough to make you never want to show your face at any meetings ever again.  Now I know why they say that those with many many years of sober living never come back if they go out.   I know where I went wrong and my thinking that caused my fall.   I will get into that in subsequent posts   I just wanted to be honest with everyone and not go back to being secretive and living in the dark with my shame and pain.  Thankyou for listening to me rant.
Steve

Update

Hello all,  I haven't posted in a while I have been busy.  I still don't have a full time job but I have been doing odd jobs like cutting grass, picking up dog poop, cleaning out houses.  I am NOT givng up although I will admit I was getting a little lazy as far as keeping up with recovery reading, exercising and I wasn't attending as many meetings as I had been.  A very dear person to me pointed it out to me that now that I have over a month of clean time under the belt I need to be extra careful.  She is absolutely right.  God always  sends you a message on what you need to be doing when you need to hear it.  Other than that I haven't not much else to write about.
Later for now,
Steve

First Token

I got my first 30 day token today!!!!   It felt awesome.  I never thought having an actual quit date and getting a token would mean anything to me but it does.   It is the end of the first 30 days and the beginning of the rest of my life.  I give the credit to the Grace of God, the Fellowship and my hard work; in that order.   I will dedicate the rest of my life paying it forward.   I am one of the blessed ones who found his way.  I am not perfect, not even close, nor will I ever be and I am OK with that now.  That is what serenity is to me.  That is the gift I have been given.
Thank you God
Thank you God
Thank you God
Sincerely,
Steve