Bricks

I have been working on my 'bricks' in  "A Course in Weight Loss".   The 'bricks' are basically a 4th Step inventory.  A great format though, I would recommend to anyone doing an inventory to check this book out.   Anyway, the biggest character defect that has emerged this time around is fear.  All my woes and crappy things I have done and continue to do boil down to fear and my reactions to and efforts to alleviate or numb myself to fear.   Almost all the fears I have seem to be unfounded, unreal things to fear as well as the fears I share with everybody else of the human race, death, war etc.  I still have a lot of the forgiveness work to do mostly with myslf though.   I have already done a lot of forgiveness concerning others and the real or imagined slights they have wrought upon me.
I have come to the conclusion that all those with addicitions are not abnormal.  In 12 Step groups there tends to be a lot of talk about,'us' and 'them'.   I have even used the word 'normies ' to describe social drinkers and users.   The natural human reaction and indeed any living thing is to avoid harm or at least lessen it, be that harm real or imagined.   In my case and many others I have talked to, I use and drink to numb myself from feelings.   Admittedly, this is a very dysfunctional way to do it but it is natural.   I have made it a habit to try to control my body and emotions through outside substances or actions.   I blame Western culture and one particular psychiatrist from my past who encouraged and reinforced this notion.  I am not trying to deflect blame from myself, now that I know all that I know, I have no excuse for not changing my ways.   I was led to believe in my early formative years and much of my adult life that if I took the right pill or pills I would be "OK".   This mindset has become firmly entrenched in my mind and daily habits and proven the most difficult to let go of.
 A lot to thimk about and a step in forgiving myself and letting my self off the meat hook for making mistakes and falling.
Well thats all I have for now, time to get ready to go to work.   Wow, it feels really good to say that!!
Steve

New Year

Hello all. 
 Here we are in a brand new year and a brand new decade, time to make the next step.  I wasn't blogging because I was really busy with taking Chinese class and teaching English   I have been back from Taiwan since Thanksgiving of 2010 and have a full time job, a car and have been back to doing the things that I love like theater, going to my church and being with my friends and family.   Living in Taiwan gave me the belief that I can literally do anything and that the world is just one giant oyster waiting to be opened.
I still have my spirirtual program going but I have lapsed in my 12 recovery work.   I fell off the wagon big - time in Taiwan.   I didn't want to admit it  and be a hypocrite  The only difference this time is that I didn't lose everything, because my faith and all that I have learned over the past 2 years has kept me from falling off the deep end.
Life is good now, I am working again and thinking about my future and planning for it, which is something I rarely did before.  I honestly believed I didn't have one, so what was the point?
I realize that continuing on the way I am going I will continuely be only slightly happy and never find out the reason I am here.   Those who know me well know that my life has always been this search for what my purpoe is, why was I born in this particular point in time to the parents I have and in the country I live  instead of some remote village in Kenya or something.  Continuing to use or drink at this stage is like watching TV with the volume on mute  or the picture slightly off. Sure, I can see the picture and everything that is happening but it s just not complete and fun to watch.  Plus, whatever I am here for I am fairly certain it is not to be a loser who slowly kills himself and causes pain for everyone around him.
I am commiting myself to a period that coincides with Rev. Beatty's group at Renaissance Unity using the book  "A Course in Weight Loss" by Marrianne Williamson as a starting point.  The book focuses not soley on weight loss but  how we become "stuck" in whatever patterns we have set up in our lives.  The patterns trap us in our dysfunctions in which addicitions and bad habits are a symptom of.   If you want to learn more about the book and the group go to renaissanceunity.org for more info.
The group lasts for 9 weeks starting from January to March 6.   I will make this journey using EVERY  tool and resource available to me.   Please if you have any suggestions or want to comment or talk send me a message.
That is all I have for now I have set my intentions and have a basic game plan set up.   I will blog  as often as I have any thoughts or news  to report.   
To all those out there whatever trials and tribulations you are going through my thoughts and prayers are with you.   My self inflicted woes I have always thought are small potatoes compared to what others endure in this life.  What cancer patient or war orphan wouldn't want to switch places with me in a second?  That has always been my rationale for continuing in my bad ways of life.  "See, you are a selfish  asshole who continues to shoot himeself in the foot every time."   I see now that I will never be of any real use to the world if I am not in a good place myself. 
Thanks for reading and have a great night.