Greetings from Taiwan

I spent a really long time writing a really long and heartfelt entry and then lost the data before I could publish it.  I told you I am a technology idiot.  That was infuriating and I wanted to put my fist through the screen but I didn't.  As they say, "shit happens".  You  have to deal with it and roll with the punches.
Anyway,  I have to get back to my homework and don't have time to rewrite it right now but I will be posting much more in the days to come.
  For those who don't know, I have moved to Taiwan to start a new life.  The 90 day experiment with this blog has come to an end, but the journey has only just begun.  I have simply found the path  now.  Its time to start the adventure.  Thanks to all for your support and kind thoughts. I truly hope someone got something from this or perhaps found hope. I know I did.


So long for now,
Steve

Back on Track

Hello all.   Following my use a week ago I got back in the saddle and set to see what caused  the "slip".   I was feeling stalled in working my program and felt like I had hit a plateau.   I was feeling resentful of AA.   Who wants to always have to go to meetings and do soul searching?  Besides South Park is on.   The truth is if I want to have a happy life and advance to the next level it takes work and effort.    Not working hard and getting complacent leads to relapses or what they call being a "dry drunk", which means someone who is not drinking or using but is miserable because they aren't working on growing or figuring out why they used in the first place.  
All the hard work that goes with working a program is still something I take joy in though, had I never come to the place that brought me to therapy and AA in the first place who knows when if ever I would have the spiritual base and serenity that I do have now.  It isn't perfect but it is a hell of a lot better than it was.  Whenever I start to complainn about it all, I just remind myself, well Steve how happy joyous and free did you feel while you were out?   That usually puts it back in perspective.
I want to share a gratitude story. Last Saturday I was "Slappy" the clown for the  annnualFraser Public Library Spring Fling.  For those who don't know, Slappy is one of my alter egos.   I did not want to do the gig.  I was dreading the 4 hours it was going to be.  I was not in a great mood.  First of all I had relapsed earlier in the week and I had been in a pity party mood for a few days.   I didn't have a enough balloons to feel comfortable because I didn't take the time to check my supplies and props at least a few days in advance.  The store I was going to get some balloons at the night before turns to have gone out of buisness so I was SOL.   I hadn't practiced any balloons or magic for a while and I felt really rusty.   I did the gig because I committed to it 6 months ago and I can use the money.   Anyway, I got to the gig and actually started to have a good time.  About 2 1/2 hours into it I was getting tired and a little crabby.  There were about 50 kids clamoring for my attention and I had to stop some older kids from playing with my props and balloons.  I normally don't mind but they were getting a litlle wild around the real little kids and I was worried about running out of balloons.   I was getting stressed and wishing the gig could be over right then.   I took a quick breather to take a large drink of water and as I was drinking and looking up at the sky, I was suddenly overcome with gratitude.   Here it was a wonderful sunny day, not too hot, a nice breeze.   I am doing something I love, having laughs with kids  and clowning around, pun intended.  How lucky am I to get to have fun and make a little money like this.  If I was dead or in jail or in bed feeling sorry for myself like I wanted to do that day I would have missed this very moment.   I looked around at all the happy faces and listened to all the laughter and excited voices and thought to myself, "this is what it' s all about, this is prosperity, moments like this are what makes life worth living".   I happily went back to clowning around with renewed energy and a smile so big I wouldn't have needed the clown make-up to amplfiy it.  I even stayed at the gig an extra half hour and did not run out of balloons.
Have a great day    :>

Back in Black

Hello all,
Yes it has been quite sometime since I made an entry.   I was having a real roughtime.  I did my 4th step with a therapist and took my psychic crap as it were.   I won't lie it felt great to get everything out in the open and take a good honest look at it and tell someone else where I have failed to be a good person.   I still didn't feel the spiritual transformation and psychic shift that the AA literature promises.   I was left with  that empty hole in my heart I tried to fill up with alcohol and drugs.   Long story short I used again and lost 2 whole days of my life I will never get back.   I didn't get in any trouble or do anything stupid besides the obvious.   I got right back to my meetings and told someone of my fall.   The shame and diisappointmentt that goes with breaking a long string of sober days is enough to make you never want to show your face at any meetings ever again.  Now I know why they say that those with many many years of sober living never come back if they go out.   I know where I went wrong and my thinking that caused my fall.   I will get into that in subsequent posts   I just wanted to be honest with everyone and not go back to being secretive and living in the dark with my shame and pain.  Thankyou for listening to me rant.
Steve

Update

Hello all,  I haven't posted in a while I have been busy.  I still don't have a full time job but I have been doing odd jobs like cutting grass, picking up dog poop, cleaning out houses.  I am NOT givng up although I will admit I was getting a little lazy as far as keeping up with recovery reading, exercising and I wasn't attending as many meetings as I had been.  A very dear person to me pointed it out to me that now that I have over a month of clean time under the belt I need to be extra careful.  She is absolutely right.  God always  sends you a message on what you need to be doing when you need to hear it.  Other than that I haven't not much else to write about.
Later for now,
Steve

First Token

I got my first 30 day token today!!!!   It felt awesome.  I never thought having an actual quit date and getting a token would mean anything to me but it does.   It is the end of the first 30 days and the beginning of the rest of my life.  I give the credit to the Grace of God, the Fellowship and my hard work; in that order.   I will dedicate the rest of my life paying it forward.   I am one of the blessed ones who found his way.  I am not perfect, not even close, nor will I ever be and I am OK with that now.  That is what serenity is to me.  That is the gift I have been given.
Thank you God
Thank you God
Thank you God
Sincerely,
Steve

Opening Day

Tigers won the season opener wooohooo!! 
I mentioned before that I am working on my 4th step.  It is done and I am going to formally go over it with my sponsor next week.  I would have liked to do it on April 13th at my home group in Fraser but I will be at set strike for Streetcar Named Desire that night. It is a huge set and I think it is going to be a long night.  April 13th is special for me because it will be my first 30 days of continuos sobriety!!!  I have seriously not had that many days in a row since 2006!!   My home group meeting place is symbolic as well for behind that school building is where my friend and I took our first drink together.   It was a pint of Jack Daniels and it made me very, very sick and I never touched that stuff again, but it started my love affair with getting blotto.
A note about working the steps.  Some believe you should do it really, really slow.  I have heard of working just one a year!  I personally believe it should be done as quickly as possible.  The way I  and my sponsor figure it, if you found out you had a serious fatal disease, which addiction is, you would want to start treatment right away correct?   That was how the original AA group did it too and they had a 70% success rate!   There what is calledare Back to Basics groups that go throught the steps over the course of 4 weeks. You know when you are ready, you just feel it.  I do suggest having a sponsor guide you through it though, it can be overwhelming when your head is just clearing up. 
I have also been sending out resumes, filling out applications and making phone calls to get a jobby job.  In the meantime, I am going to be cutting lawns, working for a gardener and working with my buddys wife's cleaning business.  It so good to feel useful again.!!  Thats all for now.  Have a good one!!

4th Step part 3

Happy Easter everyone!!! Regardless of your religious beliefs this is a special time of year of rebirth and life.  The trees are budding, lilies are blooming and insects are coming back to life and migrating birds are back.  The Easter egg and the bunny were borrowed from paganism, they symbolize fertility and life.  Passover falls this time of year, this year it fell during Easter week.
I have been slack with posts, it was a busy week.  Not that I am complaining, most of the time I have more free time than I know what to do with. I found quite a bit of day work and I having been working on "Streetcar Named Desire" at the Baldwin theatre.  
  I did however complete my 4th step.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I guess I can add procrastination to my list of character defects!  LOL  I pretty much knew what it boiled down to: fear and dishonesty.  Fear of being not liked and rejected and not living in congruence with what I know is right and wrong has been at the bottom of all my wrong decisions and instances where I hurt other people and myself.  It is what I believe to be the catalyst of my addictions.  Of course my 4th step list is more complex but I only have to show it to one other human being in the 5th step to make it complete.  I am going to share it with one of my pastors or my therapist.  I know I have been very transparent about everything on this journey but to air ALL my dirty laundry in public could lead me to getting deported!!!
Seriously though it felt great to get all the crap off my chest and see it in black and white.   Don't get me wrong  I am not just forgetting everything and acting as if I have never done all the things I hurt my loved ones with.  My 4th step is all about releasing the power the past has over me so I can be free to change.  A little farther down the line I will start doing my direct amends to those I have hurt.
Coincidently ther are some in the 12 Step community who don't think anyone that doesn't have at least a year sobriety can possibly do a 4th step.   The original AA members did steps 1 - 4 as quickly as possible.  The way I figure it why wouldn't you want to do the work as quickly as possible.  If you found out you were really sick yuo would want to start treatment as soon as possible right?  I do understand to jump into such soul searching might lead you back to using if you are totally NOT ready.  My sponsor felt I was ready and in my heart I knew I was ready.
I will say it again, it feels great!!!
By the way I have passed the 40 night mark!!
Have a blessed day!!

4th Step

Great weekend

It was a great weekend I got some day work helping to clean out a house.  I made some badly needed money, thus provng that if you have faith you will get what you need when you need it.  I also got to work on a show, "Streetcar Named Desire" at the Baldwin Theatre in Royal Oak.  If you get the chance I highly recommend seeing it.  The acting is superb and the set is one of the most elaborate I have ever seen.  The stage version of Streetcar is very intense.  Even though I've seen it 5 times now and know the plot, I am still moved  by it every time.  Anyway, I am doing curtains and helping with props.  Theatre has been one of my most favorite thing to be involved with since I was 19.  I discovered it junior college and it has changed my life.  I was painfully shy when I did my first show.  I am still fairly shy.  I have met so many people and made so many great friends.
I have been completely clean and sober for 17 days now.  This is the most consecutive days of being clean since 2006!!  My emotions are running high, I have found myself getting alternately angry, sad, melancholy and happy almost uncontrolably.  I am certain it is because I have masked my emotions and numbed myself to them for so long.  The repressed energy from all those years is surfacing.  It is a rollercoaster but I am told it is normal and will pass.
My next task is my 4th step that I mentioned the other day in the blog.  My sponsor said I was ready and I feel ready to face the ugly truth about who I REALLY am.  I have read the  literature about it all weekend and have mulled it over extensively.  Tomorrow I am going to put pen to paper and exorcise my demons.
I let you know how it goes.

4th Step

The time has come for the 4th Step in my AA program and 4T class.  Kind of neat how it worked  for it to be time in both programs.  The 4th Step is known as the personal inventory. It is where you put into writing all your characteristics; the bad and the good.  This step is taken to teach honesty, humility, set-up for the rest of the steps and eliminate the power the past holds.  I don't know why I find it so daunting, after all I have put myself in the spotlight warts and all via this blog.   I have talked about this with a friend who has done a 4th step, I am going to talk with my sponsor tonight and I have e-mailed my pastor for advice.  I want to do this right, I want to put the past behind me and move to the next level.  That is all I have on my mind right now.  I will post more later.
Have a blessed one.

Springtime

Spring is definitely in the air today.  When the first sunny, warm days of Spring finally arrive and the plants are starting to grow and everybody is going outside again it is hard to imagine when it was the dead of winter and it seemed like the sun would never shine again and the world is dead.  Life is dynamic, always changing.  Sometimes when things are bad it is hard to remember what being happy ever felt like.   Life itself goes through seasons.
I've changed, I don't know how much and I am even afraid to acknowledge it for fear I was just imagining it or wishful thinking. 
 During a group this morning we were discussing feelings and how to experience and manage them in a healthy way be those feelings bad or good.  There really are no "bad" feelings per se.  What makes a feelings good or bad is how we react and deal with them.  If you are wondering why we would be discussing feelings, addicts are notorious for numbing our feelings or dealing with them in very unhealthy ways.  Once you start getting some clean time and you start feeling again it is not uncommon to want to use to avoid them. You re-experience or perhaps feel fully for the first time grief, anger, remorse or anything really.  It can be scary.
Anyway, during the group one fellow just couldn't understand how you can go about learning how to feel again or change bad coping skills.  The answer to that by the way is practice.  12 step programs and therapy are invaluable  for doing just that.  This guy refuses to attend 12 step meetings and thinks therapy is for "pussies", as he stated.  The only reason he attends this particular group is because he is court ordered to and he makes no qualms about stating that fact.  Listening to him and sensing his inability to grasp the concept of learning to express feelings in a healthy way and refusal to accept help reminded me of where I was.  I fought getting help for a long time and I blamed everything that is wrong in my life on everyone else but me.   I suddenly realized how far I have come.  I have changed.  I had thought that who we are, and how we think were attributes that were firmly in place by the time we are 16 and  are basically inmmutable.    I thought that only a near death experience or something terribly  traumatic like going to war could change a person on a fundamental level.  I am glad to report that I was dead wrong about that. 
Believe me I am not being arrogant or looking down on that guy or anyone else.  I was suddenly just made aware of how I have changed.  I feel like I am finally getting a start on the right path.  I am looking forward to learning more and more and I pray that everyone out there who is lost and suffering finds their way too.
Happy spring everyone!!

Feeling Good

The title says it all, I am feeling pretty good these days.  My sleep patterns are still messed up and my head a little fuzzy but I think I am healing.  The human body sure is incredible it can take such abuse and neglect and still it always naturally moves toward balance.
  I have racked up 8 consecutive days of complete abstinence.   That may not sound like much but it is the longest stretch of complete abstinence I have had since 2006!   I am still going to meetings everyday and reading recovery literature.  I truly believe the tipping point was the my formally asking my Higher Power for help in the 3rd Step.  I have always accepted Christ as my Savior and looked to him for strength and guidance, but when I was really deep in my addictions I turned my back on Him.  Now I see that like a patient and loving parent he was waiting for me to come around and ask for help.  He never gave up on me and accepted me back like the prodigal son I am.
Anyhow it is time to look for a job and think about going back to school.  There are 9 more steps to go through and so much more to learn, but I think the major crisis is over.
I thank everybody and all my new friends in the program for the support and well wishes.
Have a great day !!

Saturday Night Live

The title has nothing to do with content of this posting, I was watching SNL so it was on my mind.  Things are getting better and better.  I am enjoying the longest stretch of continuos sobriety I have had since 2006.  It feels great! I'd forgotten what it was like to look forward to the day when I wake up and go to sleep naturally at night.  This is the time when I have to be careful.  When I am feeling good.  I am used to feeling like crap and not having much hope. This feeling good thing kind of scares me.  I take comfortin  knowing that I can count on the Christ within me and my new friends in the Fellowship to get me through it.
I have been thinking what a strange trip it has been to get to this moment.  I know that everything went down the way it did to teach me.  Instead of me feeling angry at myself and regretting all that I have missed and all that I have done, I am looking at it positively.  I might not have the relationship with my Higher Power that I have now or have learned so much if life had gone the route I originally thought it would at this point in my life.  I caused my self and the people I love so much pain.  I will not dwell in the past I will make darn sure now and the future is awesome.  Thats all I have right now.  I think I'll hit the sack.
  Have a great night all!

Easy does it.

Got through Step 3 last night!!  Woo Hoo!!  This past St. Patrick's was my first totally sober in quite some time.  It was never a big party night for me, I considered it amateur night.  I am may have not started at 7 AM that day but I was usually the last man standing that night.  Anywhoo, my sponsor had me say aloud a prayer to make it official.  The prayer basically boils down to "Father I admit I can't change by myself and I surrender my will to You."  The next steps will be identifying my defects of character as they are called and asking Christ to remove them.  Then will come identifying the people I have wronged and making plans to make amends.  That is the part I am looking forward to, taking the garbage out.   
I was reminded by something I failed to do the other night for a friend.  I am trying very hard to change but it served to remind me it isn't all going to happen at once.  I have had many years of selfish living and twisted thinking that has laid down patterns.  Don't get me wrong I am not excusing myself for acting like a douche but it reminded me "Easy does it".

St. Patrick's Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!  I read an article on St.Patrick this afternoon and he was really a quite a historical character.  Apparently he was captured and enslaved by an Irish clan for many years before he managed to escape and return to Britain.  Instead of spending the rest of his life bitter and resentful he returned to Ireland to minister and generally be a great guy.  Obviously, he was sainted  after all.  Legend has it he also rid Ireland of snakes but it is agreed that the snakes probably represented ill will and resentment and not actual snakes. So St. Patrick's Day is also about celebrating freedom from whatever holds you in bondage, forgiving others and yourself and moving on.
More and more every day I am beginning to realize that I have been soul-sick and have spent a lot of time and energy trying to medicate that state or at least try to forget about it.  Drugs and alcohol filled that void at one time but they are never the cure, in fact you end up losing more and more of your soul as you sink deeper into that hole.  Maybe that void is what Catholicism labeled "Original Sin".  Maybe the fall from grace meant we all just forgot we have the spark of the Divine within us and it is just the human condition to feel that loss somewhere deep inside.  We all search for it in some way shape or form some of us just get more lost or mislead than others.  Sorry to get all philosphical but a full day of groups and meetings gets my mind working overtime.  :>
As you can see I have way too much time on my hands, it is time to kick the job search up another few notches or go back to school.

Prayer

Hello, I have added a few more books to the reading list, I did a LOT of reading this past weekend.  I also added a movie list.  The list will include movies and DVDs with recovery and spirirtual themes.  If anyone reading this has suggestions for books, movies or anything please share them.
The 4T class I have been taking at Renaissance Unity moved into prayer techniques last night.  It was very different for me I was raised Catholic and am thusly used to the long beseeching prayers that go along with being Cathlolic.  The technique taught in Unity is much simpler, inner directed, free flowing and done in the present tense affirmative.  For example:  The Christ spirit within me guides me to happy health and sobriety.  I have invoked Christ' name and prayed as if what I am seeking I am in the process of recieving right now rather than at some later time.  It is a totally different way of prayer that is more personal and concrete.  We broke off into prayer circles in the class as well.  I have never prayed with other people I don't know before and it was very different for me but I liked it.  The premise is that when you pray with others they can believe in what you are praying for even at times when your faith is weak.
I have been put on a list to go to a rehab center from my therapist.  She and my sober buddy thinks it could be just the final piece to get things rolling in then right direction.  Twenty one days in a rehab center where the opportunity for temption is eliminated provides a very good enevironment to get down to the root causes of addiction I am told.  If I am unable to blog for a few weeks, you will know I got the green light to go inpatient.
My sponsor is going to be guiding me through the 4th step starting tomorrow.  The 4th step is where you take a good hard look at yourself, everything; the good bad and the ugly.  After that you ask God to take the garbage out and then you can focus on making amends.  But that is getting ahead of myself.  I am excited and daunted by this part of the program.  Old timers tell me this is where you start cleaning house and the spiritual awakening occurs that will lift the obsession of addiction.  Sounds good to me I am ready!!!
Later Tater

Superman

I have been silent for a few days, since wednesday actually.   I fell into a pattern, a trap and luckily one of my nearest and dearest pointed it out to me.   It is all well and good that I have been going to all the 12 step meetings,groups classes, reading the literature, praying and meditating.  It all means nothing if you don't put it all into action.  In fact in the 12 steps the first 3 are admission, surrender and asking for help steps. The next 4 through 9 are action steps where you take all you have learned and start to live again.  I was stalled on the first 3.   The whole 12 step is based on constant action and growth.  I have been going through my life thinking I can't really begin to live until "all my ducks are in  a row".  Those duck never line up perfectly or even show up at the same time.  It is insane to think I have any control over those ducks anyway.   The point being I was walking around assuming that all my heroes and people I admire somehow had some knowledge that I lacked that enabled them to grow at the same time as living a life, having a careeer,raising kids, doing great things.  I failed to realize none of us are perfect.  I thought everyone else was somehow a little more perfect than I could ever be.  As far I as I know, none of us on the mortal realm have ever been anything close to perfect except for one of us who lived and died to show us what we can be and that it is OK to be flawed.  That is our gift that God gave us above all His other creations:  free will.  Without it we would be just another animal that lives and dies, fulfulling its part in the web of life.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I am avid collector of comic books.  My favorite has always been Superman.   He has all these vast powers and abilities that could enable him to have anything a man could ever want or need for.  Instead he uses them for good and considers it his responsibility to do so.   I have failed to realize he has evolved over the years.  He stll has all his powers but now he tries to balance them by having a job, spending time with his family and friends  and doing all the things that make life interesting and exciting.  I know it is pretty weird for a grown man to talk about Superman like he is real.  I have always been paralyzed by the fact I will never have super powers and realistically devote all my life and energies to service.  My addictive all or nothing thinking has told me that if I can't live up to some ideal of what I think a person needs to do to be "good" I may as well not do anything.
I went to a meeting on Satrurday night where this whole table was talking about how they have lost their jobs , have kids who are in crisis and all sorts of other things going on in their lives but they still practice a spiritual program and take their time out to do service work and help others.  They have balance.  You can't do it all and just because you aren't Superman doesn't mean you can't be a hero.  You don't have to be doing huge things to make a difference
I was approaching this blog project as sort of a task that when I was done then I would be free.  I have been waiting for someone or something else to tell me how to live.  I have been searching outside of myself for things to make me feel whole and serene.  How twisted is that, you should never reach a point where you say "OK I am here I made it".  Life is a journey not a destination.  I will add more to this tomorrow.  My mom saids she needs to get online.  So, off I go to do karate in the garage.

Another Day.

Just another day fighting the good fight.  Nothing exciting to write about or earth shattering revelations to ponder.  I am trying to feel cheerful and nice but the mood just won't come.  I was in a group this morning and I was feeling lackluster and barely even spoke at all.  That is not good for oneself and the group as a whole not to chime in with something.  We are all inter-connected and need each other for support and growth.  I just didn't have anything good to say and when I feel like that I think it is wise to just shut-up.  Anyway, I will be back later with something.  I am going to resist the urge to just go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.  Nothing happens when you just sit back and vegetate.

We Thought We Could Find an Easier and Softer Path

"We thought we could find an easier and softer path".   This is a quote from the Big Book,  it means most of us try to find the easiest path to peace and serenity rather than doing the soul searching and  life rearranging and short-term sacrifice necessary to do it.   I am the most guilty of this.   I like instant or instant gratification.  Like I said before I have screwed around and half-assed recovery a lot the past 2 years.  True, it probably has saved me from bottoming out big-time i.e. killing someone, doing real time in real jail.  It is said AA will screw up your drinking and drugging.  You can't unhear the message and there is no going back once you have.  It's true, once you know there is  freedom  possible from one first step whenever you drink or drug a new layer of shame and self butt kicking is laid down.  True insanity sets in, you keep walking down the same path and falling in a hole.  You know the hole is there and that to avoid the hole only requires to go down a different path but you do it anyway with the insane idea that maybe this time will be different.  The hole gets deeper every time and takes more time and energy to get out of.  That is the nature of addiction.  Those who are social drinkers and druggers don't go through the same process.  When people say "just don't do it in the first place", that is logical sane advice but it means nothing to the addict.   I don't think I have true physical addiction to drink and drugs......yet. I can't imagine what hell that is.  To literally need to take something to calm shakes, vomiting and seizures.  To NEED to drink rather than just want to numb oneself.   Veterans who have been to the edge and back tell of a place where it stops working altogether.  Alcohol is the only detox that can literally kill you.  Coke and heroin detox will make you  feel like you'll die, but you won't.  I haven't reached that point YET.  That is a 12 step saying:  THE YETS. I have passed a few yets over the years, a DUI, being jobless, stealing from people who love me and past-tense trusted me to get high.   There is a whole other nightmare world of yets that I can't even fathom.  The people that have been to that edge and have lived to tell about it I tip my hat to, it is probably safe to say most fall right over the edge into the abyss.
That is all of my thoughts of the day, I will return to digging into the Big Book.  Sorry to be all doom and gloom today but that is my general disposition right now.

March Round up Part II

One word: powerful.   There was a headcount of 2100 on Saturday night.  That  many people all gathered together with one thing in common.   It was a total cross section of humanity: there were men,women, kids, black,white, red ,yellow, big small, handicapped, deaf, rich, poor, people with 1 day of sobriety all the way up to 60 years.  The headliner speaker was a guy from California who has had a life that has been so tragic and heroic that it is too far out to be possibly made up.  I met so many new people and saw so many familiar faces from the area.  
The people in and aroind the convention were so nice, I felt like I belonged there.  That is part of the reason why I drink and drug is because I have always felt out of place everywhere I go.  All these poeple living a better life and giving a shit about each other, thats what I want to be a part of.  When the meeting
ended with the everybody holding hands and reciting the Lord's Prayer the Love in the room was so palpable it sat on my chest with a warm glow.
I stopped by a local bar on my way home just to see who was out.  I had a coke and a really really drunk guy was sitting next to me and telling me about his little grandaughter and how he had taught her to rollerskate backwards today.  He was  telling me that his granddaughter is the only thing that keeps him alive.  I didn't know  what to say.  He offered to buy me pithcher of beer and it was pretty obviose he wanted someone to talk to.  I excused myself and said no thanks for the beer and bid everyone a goodnight.  On the way home I got to thinking that the guy was hurting and I just walked away without saying what I felt..  So I went back to the bar and tried to engage the guy in conversation, but he was really too wasted to talk e that soemone would have done the same for me in my time of need.  This 12 step work and I have but begun to work the 1st step. But  a fellow human being is hurting and it is my resposibilty to dos omething about it even if I only have 12 hours of sobriety behind me.
This is the tipping point.

March Roundup

I am going to go to the March Roundup I have decided.  It is one of the big yearly AA conventions.   I need to find something to cling to.  Last night I drank and even smoked some weed.  I was supposedly picking someone up from a party and I went in to say "hello" to the homeowner whom I know.  Bad mistake, I ended up coming home at 6 in the morming and totally trashed my plans to go to yoga in the morning and then hit a meeting.   I have failed to make recovery my NUMBER ONE priority.   So I am  going to go to the convention with an open mind.  I need to find something.  Talk to you later.

Here I Sit......

I have been drinking tonight.   No good reason to.  As if is there ever is.  :>   I would have probably had more but the last 7 eleven I was about to stop at had 2 of Fraser's finest parked in the lot.   If the that is not God telling me to stop and go home I don't know what is.  I feel lonely and like the biggest loser in the world right now.  I could call any one of my friends and my new sponsor but I don't.  I wonder how much pain does it take, how much loss does it take to make me get it?  Do I need to go to jail?  Do I need to have a doctor tell me my liver is shot and if I continue this way I won't live to see 40.   I don't know  what triggered me, I went to a group tonight and it was really good.  I met someone I haven't seen since highschool and he told me how he has been clean for 1 year now.  Some how I have made it OK to let myself down again and again and again.  Even with this blog I thought would leave me so naked and exposed that I would have no choice but to clean up.  What does it take.  Why does God keep letting me live?  What is in store for me that I have to continue to draw breath everyday?  Tommorow I will wake up and start the whole process over again.  This is what it has come down to: drinking and using and then taking a couple of days to put out the fires I've started and begin to feel normal again and then go and fuck it all up again.  THAT is insanity doing the same thing over and over again.   I am very tired and want to go to sleep.   I am going to take an Ambien.  I will get back on it tomorrow.

One Day at a Time.

Just checking in here.  I almost didn't call my sponsor yesterday.  It is my twisted thinking kicking in:  not accepting help from anyone,thinking I can do it all by myself and thinking the universe revolves around Steve and what he is feeling.  I told my sponsor that and he laughed and said he remembers being the same way back in the day.  He also said he needs me as a sponsee more than I need him as a sponsor.  After 24 years of sobriety it is much easier for him to rationalize going out again and he has a hell of a lot more to lose.  When you relapse you go back to square one.  I cannot imagine the dissapointment and frustrartion it must cause to lose all those years and have to start all over. People with longtime sobriety need to give it away to newbies to stay fresh in the program.  It is a symbiotic relationship.  More and more it is dawning on me that this is not a fix or a cure.  This a total lifestyle change.  I am trying very hard to let go.  I don't know why I am resisting so much.  It seems so simple just DON'T pick-up and all the other steps will come naturally.  Can you imagine if tomorrow doctors announced that the cure for cancer was not drinking beer.  How many people wish it were that easy.  I want to just do it and get on with my life.
I started the 4T Prosperity course at Renaissance Unity last night.  Again I say if you are looking for some spiritual direction in your life do your self a favor and check out RU.  The 12 week course is based on the AA 12 steps and involves tithing.  I am not excited about tithing 10% of my paltry earnings at this stage of my life, but realistically looking at it I spent way more than that  every week on drink and drugs and all that goes with it.
I am going to take the leap of faith.  I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
So tonight yoga then an 8:30 meeting and then sleep.  I'll come up swinging again tomorrow.
Later Tater

Hold Your Breath and Jump.

Just got done watching Celebrity Rehab.  If you have never watched it, it is a great show.  When the first season aired I was so dissapointed in Dr. Drew, whom I have admired ever since I first heard him on "Love Lines" with Adam Corrola almost 20 years ago., I thought he was just going to show celebrity trainwrecks for the amusement of the public.  I have since changed my mind.  The show illustates that addiction knows no one identity.  It has no age, ethnicity, social status, or occupation.  The Heath Ledgers or the Michael Jackons of the world have the same disease of the mind  as myself or the homeless man behind the 7-Eleven  Addiction will take everything from you.  It will take your job, your self respect, the trust of people you love and finally your  life.  People we idolize as having the "life" we want are no diffrent or more or less invunerable than any of us are.
I got a temporary sponsor last night.  I must say it scares the shit out of me. I have reached out and asked for someones's help and that is not something I have ever been comfortable doing.  I feel even more naked and transparent than even the first syllable that I wrote on this blog did.  It is real now.  This is it.  Shit or get off the pot.  Anyway, my sponsor told me to read pages 1-164 in the Big Book.  The Big Book or Blue Book is the Bible of AA if you don't know.  I am going to meet him and his 2 other sponsees at a meeting New Baltimore tonight.  Wish me luck.
At a meeting this morning, a guy I have never seen around before told the table he had bought a shotgun an a pint of vodka on Sunday.  You could have heard a cricket fart it got so quiet.  He told us how he awoke from a blackout at his brothers house with a hole in the ceiling.  He was walking out the door and one of the old timers stopped him and walked him back in.  I am assuming he was going to hook him up with a sponspor or a list of phone numbers at least.  I am glad that old timer was there to do it. This sounds selfish but I am ashamed of myself that I didn't do anything myself. I have the intention that I will never, ever think I don't have the authority or the "right" amount of clean time to reach out to a fellow human being again.  I thank God that the old timer did, I have no doubt that man's life was saved today.
It has been a awesome day so far I and bid you all a good night.
Later Tater

What a Weekend

I am back after a tumultuous weekend. I went from despairing lows to the serene high of goodtimes and healthy relationships in the space of 72 hours.  I binged from Thursday right on until the wee hours of Friday morning.  In fact I didn't even get out of bed until Friday night.  When I fall, I fall hard.  The only thing that got me going was the Grace of God and a well timed phone call from a friend on Friday night.  You will never know what your 3 minutes of talking to me did.  I got down and my knees and prayed.   I got my self to a meeting on Saturday and did everything I could to not isolate.   I went to a birthday party and had a great trime without drinking.  I laughed harder than I have in a while.   I am going to come to peace with this obsession to poison myself.  My new tact is: I AM going to relapse.  This will always happen.  I need to live this truth and accept it totally.   I am going to get a sponsor tonight.  If I do not change how I live  I am going be writing a blog like this for the rest of my life. Always talking about how I "slipped" and used or drank.  The blog will end when I am in jail or dead.  That is the truth.  That is a is only a possible future though.  The other is that I get whole and healthy and then in accordance with the 12th step help those who are lost like I was and then we step into the future together.
One more thing.  This is an open letter that popped into my mind when I found out that a bridge that is behind me  has totally burned down.

This is an open letter to all the people, PLACES and things that I no longer need in my life.  I grieved you.  You left a hole in my heart and it is only in retrospect that I realize that hole was left in order that better and healthier things may enter my life.  I will look back at you only to remind myself how toxic and poisonous you were for me.  So I release and let you go.  I wish you peace and whatever happiness is afforded to you.  Farewell and goodbye.
Steve

Unitl next time.
Later Tater

Keep on Keepin' On

It was suggested to me that I walk through the relapse from start to finish in great detail.
The first thing  is my current drug of choice is coracidin cough tablets.  I say current, because my DOC  has changed over the years.  I started with drinking, went to painkillers, back to drinking and ended up with cough tablets.  Ironically, I learned you could get high with cough medicine and even what meth is made of from a substance abuse class I took in college.
You have to go to the pharmacy counter for Coracidin at most places because of its abuse potential and the rate in which it is stolen I am told.. I know what places are open when and whether or not you have to go to the phamacy counter.   I don't want employees to get too used to seeing me buy the same thing over and over.   Funny I should even care what a store clerk might think when I am poisoning myself.  I wonder if I would feel more normal if I was buying a case of beer every night.   Most times I buy a pop or water to wash them down anfd maybe get a candy bar to make sure I have something in my stomach, I don't want to blow my stomach out right?  Funny I should have some health concerns while abusing a drug.  Kind of like a man in hell asking for a glass of ice water.  Once I have the tablets I can take them in my car.  The effects don't really kick in for at least an hour so it gives me a chance to get wherever I'm going without worrying about driving.  Taking in the car also allows me to throw out the box  and blister packs so there is no evidence sitting around.  I use a pen or a razor to open the blisters so I don't crush the tablets.   I call this "smurfing'"because they look like smurfberries.
It is the whole ritual I take solace in, I realize, it can't be instant gratification from the drug because it doeesn't act fast like booze or other drugs.   The ritual is me having control over something I do when I feel like things in my life are out of control.  Like getting bitched at from my mother yesterday.   I need to stop giving others power to affect what I feel and think if I have any chance of staying clean.
I did see my therapist today and then I went to an "open talk" which is where there is a speaker and family and friends are allowed to attend the meeting.   Some are good and some are not so good speakers. Today it was a not so good one.   Open talks are almost always very well atteneded and there is usuually food.  They are actually quite fun and I would suggest for anyone who has never attended a 12 step meeting to get their feet wet with an open talk.  Now is the part of the day I have to find something to do.  I have no more groups to attend for the week.  I could go to another meeting tonight.  I would like to  have a plan in place before mom gets home at 5:30 ish.
Later Tater

Get Back on That Horse.

This entry is really late today.  I was not even sure it was going to happen.  I had a relapse.  I wasn't going to say anything but this blog is all about total honesty.  The old Steve would have kept it a secret.  That was the old way of doing things. I am not that person anymore.  The funny thing is that things are starting to go great, I got some work, I was making strides in recovery.  I  was beginning to feel generally pretty good and confident that I could have a great life if i want it.   I now recognize my M.O..  Self-sabotage, I am so used to fucking things up and feeling crappy that I don't know how to handle feeling good. 
 Looking back, II have shot myself in the foot hundreds of times with botched  job opportunities,  ruined relationships and screwed life situations.   Knowing this is a huge insight for me though.  I originally thought I used today because my mom was bitching at me the moment she came home from work.  I know no one can make me use or not use. At a seminar I was at in the evening one of the presenters had been drinking, I could smell it when she was talking to me, I  thought maybe that triggered me. 
 Upon reflection on the day and my own thoughts reveal I relapsed because I was feeling too good.  I know that is twisted thinking but that is what makes me an addict and not just someone having a bad day.
I will get back on the horse that bucked me off right away and get a sponsor so I can start working my program and get rid of this stinkin' thinkin'.  That is another 12 step ditty by the way.  :>
Later Tater

Working a Program.

Today in group I finally learned what exactly what"Working Your Program" means. "Working Your Program" in AA lingo means going through the 12 steps with a sponsor. Groups and therapists and all the literature on addiction pounds it into you that you need a sponsor. A sponsor is a AA person with at least 1 year sobriety who has gone through all the steps at least once. I never knew what the big deal was, I know some people who have never had a sponsor and formally worked through the 12 steps but have managed to remain sober. Whatever works for you I say, but history and experience says the best way is the way laid out by the creators of AA. Prior to AA nothing in the history of mankind has ever been able to successfully treat alcoholism. You either died an alcoholic, spent your life in an insane asylum or even got a lobotomy. Two guys in 1932 started the group in a kitchen and laid down the basic program. Google Dr. Bob to get the full story. It is quite a tale. I truly believe AA is a divine gift to mankind. Anyway, a sponsor guides you through the 12 steps. The only step that can be done perfectly is #1. The only way to do it perfectly is to abstain from drinking and never "pick up" or use again. The remaining 11 steps are a self-improvement journey. You can use the remaining 11 steps for any situation. I truly believe if everyone did a 12 step program the world would be a much better place. It is all about becoming the best person you always knew you were deep inside.
I wasn't "getting it" about the program. Thats because the intoxicated mind and warped thinking of an addict cannot properly process the program. My mind is starting to clear up from being poisoned by drink and drug. I have to keep in mind that I have only barely even scratched the surface. In fact people in recovery will have to "work their program" for the rest of their lives if there is to be any hope of staying sober and having quality sobriety. That is why one of the most quoted sayings in AA is "One day at a time". If you try to look at sobriety any more than a day at a time or even 5 minutes at a time in early recovery, the whole prospect will seem very daunting and you are more likely to get discouraged and relapse. I have a lot of personal experience in that situation by the way, but I am getting better every day.
Anyway, I think I am done for the day I am pretty tired. I actually worked today!! It felt great to have something to get up early for and to feel useful again.
Later Tater.

A Failure to Plan is a Plan to Fail

I learned a great lesson about myself yesterday. I have tended to in a lot of ways fly through life by the seat of my pants and then wonder why things don't work out or I forget things. Due to failure to thoroughly plan my day out after church this past Sunday I was unable to attend a 12 step meeting and I didn't get to the gym until about 11 PM. I see I need to plan things out beforehand and not just assume I can do everything and then get upset when I can't or claim"Its not my fault," when things don't go my way. It is important to know you can't always get your way too. A very important lesson in recovery.
I know exactly when and where I am going to a meeting tonight which will allow me to get to the gym before 10 PM tonight. I probably don't even need to workout after shoveling 4 drives today!! Everybody watch your backs out there.
Ready for my counseling session and my group encounters this week.
Later Tater

Happy Sunday

Hello self and whomever else may find themselves reading this blog. Some people have commented that it is not wise to stop an anti-depressant cold turkey. This is very wise advice doing it with some can be dangerous. I did wean myself off over the course of a couple days. Wellbutrin if not the XR or XL variety has a short half-life so it is out of the body relatively fast while most other anti-depressants have to build up in your system. I have done this before with Wellbutrin and I personally think it has no effect on me other than make me sweat like a malaria patient and act really weird anyway. Well more weird than usual anyway!!
There was a great sermon at church today. If you ever get a chance to go to Renaissance Unity at 11 and Hoover, please do yourself a favor and go at least once. It may just change your life and your relationship with your Higher power. You can check it out on the web first or on Facebook.
Still detoxing I believe and I want to use or have a drink so badly I am pacing and eating everything in sight. I am more psychologically addicted than physically I think. When I am having real feelings any real feelings, I want to use. I have masked and numbed my feelings for so long now it is ingrained in me to reach for a chemical any chemical. This I believe is the key to my recovery, breaking that habit.
Well I am going to watch some Olympics and then the Sunday night animated shows. I have watched them almost every Sunday with one of my buddies since way before he was married and or had kids. Then tonight a midnight 12 step meeting. Enjoy the remainder of the weekend.
Later tater.

Day 3

Not too much to report today. I have strong cravings. We are having family dinner tonight, almost always one of my triggers. I must be detoxing, I feel like crap, am very anxious and can't stop eating. Hello to my new friends at Royal Oak Unity. Great bunch of Friends of Bill. If you have never been to a 12 step meeting it is powerful, a whole room full of people of different ages, sexes, occupations, and ethnicity's all with one common bond. It is the fellowship I take comfort and strength in. I would be willing to bet you could go to a meeting in any country in the world and not understand a single syllable of the language and still feel the love and acceptance.
I tried yoga this morning for the first time and it was more intense than I thought it would be. I worked up a great sweat without even really moving around a whole lot. I will definitely try it again at the next class on Wednesday.
I am going to go to a brand new meeting I have never been to tonight and then I have one night job to go to! Keep the ball rolling.
That is all for now.
Later Tater

Last Night Out

Last night was my last time "out" in 12 step lingo. I used and went to 3 bars and really paid attention to how all the settings felt. The first I bar I went to was a place where I am extremely comfortable. Al though it has new owners it is an establishment that has been around since the early 1900's. I know everyone that goes there and in fact it is almost feels like a home. I used to work there back in the day and know every square inch of it. I have slept there read my mail and had sex there. I stayed for 2 beers and watched the Olympics, or tried to, one of the regulars was in an especially chatty mood. He probably has no one else who will listen to his bullshit. I usually don't mind listening to people, I have always been a better listener than a talker. All in all no feeling of camaraderie or good times at the bar.
The second stop was at a second local watering hole that has also been around since the early 1900's. I know the owner and know probably 1 out of every4 people that go there. I talk with the bartender who I know from around town. The Olympics are on and an extremely drunk man keeps saying over and over that he can't believe he is still out past midnight. Apparently he is usually passed out well before midnight. "I am a daytime drinker" he says. As he pin balls out of the bar he is muttering that he hopes to God the grand kids don't get him up too fucking early in the morning. The experience at this establishment is not very rewarding or glowing either.
Next I go to have a couple beers at an establishment that has been around since my early twenties. It is now a hangout for the newly legal and the old timers who leer at them. I don't know anyone there. It is Karaoke night and people are singing pretty good songs, but it feels very empty. I feel like an outsider or someone invisible just observing everything.
Finally before I call it a night, I do what every drinker or user eventually ends up doing: drinking alone. I buy a single beer and go to the school that is nestled deep within my neighborhood. It is a familiar place, not only did I go to school there but I have spent many a night alone parked behind the dumpster in the parking lot with a bottle and the radio. As I knew it would be it was a very lonely experience. Whenever I am there it is easy to imagine I am all alone in the world connected to it only by the radio and my cell phone. I have been texting with my sober buddy over the course of the night to let him know where I am and to get a ride from him if need be.
When i get home I have a little something to eat and take an Ambien and watch some TV until I hear Mom get into the shower.
The evening has been a study in loneliness and alcohol abuse. I didn't get out and get crazy, I never have in terms of drinking or using. I have always been the marathon man ,I don't drink fast or get the craziest but I can always outlast most everyone. I have always waited with baited breath for the morningwhen I get up and I am all jaundiced or can't pee because my kidneys have shut down., By the grace and mystery of God my body has lasted through this abuse and i t has never happened.
My drinking and using is not normal in that I have always known it was self medicating. It was a perverted search for meaning or companionship. I recently read something in a book called " I Don't Want to Talk About it" that had the greatest definition for a problem drinker or user I have ever read. Normal people when they drink or take a drug or perform some act they are starting with a normal baseline of relative well being and the drink or drug or whatever is there to enhance or heighten the experience. When the chemical wears off or the act is done the user returns to that to that baseline. Like drinking champagne at a wedding or party. The abuser starts with no such baseline, so after the chemical wears off they are where they were before and 9 times out of time10 they feel even worse or some negative consequences result. That is my rationalization for drinking and using: I feel like shit with or without it so I might as well do it to get at least a temporary reprieve from the feeling. It almost always never works out that way but I still keep on doing it. THAT is the definition of insanity.
So tonight I am going to usher for "Complet Works of William Shakespeare" at the Baldwin in Royal Oak. There is an AA meeting in Royal Oak very nearby before the show I am going to go to. Going to a meeting in a different neighborhood and at meeting where you will probably know no one is a nervous experience. Never as bad as the very first one you go to. That is alright I need to be out of my comfort zone for this experience.
until next time .
Later Tater.

Lets Get this Party Started.

My name is Steven Melling. I am 39 years old, currently unemployed and living with my mom. I drive a 92' Dakota that was given to me in exchange for picking up dog shit, shoveling snow and performing various odd jobs for the mother of a friend.
My life is neither exciting or tragic. I exist in limbo.
I am at a point where I don't know what I want to do, where I want to go or where to even start looking to answer these questions.
This is the place where I came up with this idea for a blog.
First let me setup the scenario for you; I have been involved with a 12 step program and various other groups for the last 2 years. I have become a regular churchgoer, I am Catholic but I was schooled Lutheran and now attend a Unity Church. You see, even my spiritual life is confused and a mish - mash of paths.
I see a therapist regularly, get Chiropractic KST treatments and even energy work from a shaman.
I work out 5 days a week.
Take a barrage of vitamin supplements
Take the anti - depressant Wellbutrin.
I used to smoke I quit 6 years ago.
I used to abuse narcotics I quit that.
I used to drink heavily, beer and a shot kind of guy.
I rarely drink now but abuse cough medicine because it easy to hide and can't be detected and provides a mild dissociative hallucinogenic effect.
I attend 12 - step substance abuse meetings and groups 4-5 days a week.
I read self- help and philosophy books everyday.
I am not happy, none of these things seem able to fill the void or pain or whatever ingredient is missing in my life.
None of the groups books or methods seem to give me a sense of serenity or at least give me a clear spiritual path to take.
So I am going to do what I call the "90 days and 40 nights" experiment.
For 40 days I will ingest no mood - mind altering substances, including Wellbutrin and the Ambien I take for sleep. I will continue my vitamins but I will neither add or subtract any new ones to the regimen.
I am choosing the traditional Roman Catholic 40 days of Lenten fasting to do this.
I am also going to do the 12 step initiate ritual of 90 meetings and 90 days.
Now,I am not a big partier, I don't drink or use everyday. I don't do street drugs but I have tried many of them. Substance abuse has taken its toll both directly and indirectly in my life.
I have a DUI from 1997
Domestic Violence 2006
Assault 2008
I have been hospitalized for psychiatric care 2 times , bleeding ulcers 2times and a few nights in the ER for a panic attacks where I thought I was going to have a stroke and die.
I have destroyed or severely injured all my relationships.
I have lost my careers goals, I have 2 degrees one in Therapeutic Recreation. I thought my career would be working with the senior community or even as a nurse. I had a great nursing assistant job in an ICU step-down unit that was giving me all the background and contacts I would have needed to make a career in medicine.
I am involved with community theatre and have gone to many, many auditions. I make some money as "Slappy" the Clown, Santa Claus and a magician.
All told I have never totally immersed myself in a spiritual path or recovery system.
This will be a work in progress. I am making myself accountable publicly. I am getting honest, which anybody who has done any 12 step work knows users are not known for their honesty and forthrightness
I am going to go to groups, meetings, classes and situations that push me past my comfort zones and make me take an honest look at myself.
I am doing this for myself but if anybody can identify with me and my journey and get something they need to hear - GREAT. I am open to suggestions and advice. I am SO not technically savvy so I am going to learn to use tools to make this blog interesting.
With all that being said: February 19, 2010 is the start date . March 30, 2010 is the 40 day mark and May 19, 2010 is the 90 day mark.
I don't know where this will lead me or what I expect to discover but I am ready for the ride.