Back on Track

Hello all.   Following my use a week ago I got back in the saddle and set to see what caused  the "slip".   I was feeling stalled in working my program and felt like I had hit a plateau.   I was feeling resentful of AA.   Who wants to always have to go to meetings and do soul searching?  Besides South Park is on.   The truth is if I want to have a happy life and advance to the next level it takes work and effort.    Not working hard and getting complacent leads to relapses or what they call being a "dry drunk", which means someone who is not drinking or using but is miserable because they aren't working on growing or figuring out why they used in the first place.  
All the hard work that goes with working a program is still something I take joy in though, had I never come to the place that brought me to therapy and AA in the first place who knows when if ever I would have the spiritual base and serenity that I do have now.  It isn't perfect but it is a hell of a lot better than it was.  Whenever I start to complainn about it all, I just remind myself, well Steve how happy joyous and free did you feel while you were out?   That usually puts it back in perspective.
I want to share a gratitude story. Last Saturday I was "Slappy" the clown for the  annnualFraser Public Library Spring Fling.  For those who don't know, Slappy is one of my alter egos.   I did not want to do the gig.  I was dreading the 4 hours it was going to be.  I was not in a great mood.  First of all I had relapsed earlier in the week and I had been in a pity party mood for a few days.   I didn't have a enough balloons to feel comfortable because I didn't take the time to check my supplies and props at least a few days in advance.  The store I was going to get some balloons at the night before turns to have gone out of buisness so I was SOL.   I hadn't practiced any balloons or magic for a while and I felt really rusty.   I did the gig because I committed to it 6 months ago and I can use the money.   Anyway, I got to the gig and actually started to have a good time.  About 2 1/2 hours into it I was getting tired and a little crabby.  There were about 50 kids clamoring for my attention and I had to stop some older kids from playing with my props and balloons.  I normally don't mind but they were getting a litlle wild around the real little kids and I was worried about running out of balloons.   I was getting stressed and wishing the gig could be over right then.   I took a quick breather to take a large drink of water and as I was drinking and looking up at the sky, I was suddenly overcome with gratitude.   Here it was a wonderful sunny day, not too hot, a nice breeze.   I am doing something I love, having laughs with kids  and clowning around, pun intended.  How lucky am I to get to have fun and make a little money like this.  If I was dead or in jail or in bed feeling sorry for myself like I wanted to do that day I would have missed this very moment.   I looked around at all the happy faces and listened to all the laughter and excited voices and thought to myself, "this is what it' s all about, this is prosperity, moments like this are what makes life worth living".   I happily went back to clowning around with renewed energy and a smile so big I wouldn't have needed the clown make-up to amplfiy it.  I even stayed at the gig an extra half hour and did not run out of balloons.
Have a great day    :>

Back in Black

Hello all,
Yes it has been quite sometime since I made an entry.   I was having a real roughtime.  I did my 4th step with a therapist and took my psychic crap as it were.   I won't lie it felt great to get everything out in the open and take a good honest look at it and tell someone else where I have failed to be a good person.   I still didn't feel the spiritual transformation and psychic shift that the AA literature promises.   I was left with  that empty hole in my heart I tried to fill up with alcohol and drugs.   Long story short I used again and lost 2 whole days of my life I will never get back.   I didn't get in any trouble or do anything stupid besides the obvious.   I got right back to my meetings and told someone of my fall.   The shame and diisappointmentt that goes with breaking a long string of sober days is enough to make you never want to show your face at any meetings ever again.  Now I know why they say that those with many many years of sober living never come back if they go out.   I know where I went wrong and my thinking that caused my fall.   I will get into that in subsequent posts   I just wanted to be honest with everyone and not go back to being secretive and living in the dark with my shame and pain.  Thankyou for listening to me rant.
Steve