What a Weekend

I am back after a tumultuous weekend. I went from despairing lows to the serene high of goodtimes and healthy relationships in the space of 72 hours.  I binged from Thursday right on until the wee hours of Friday morning.  In fact I didn't even get out of bed until Friday night.  When I fall, I fall hard.  The only thing that got me going was the Grace of God and a well timed phone call from a friend on Friday night.  You will never know what your 3 minutes of talking to me did.  I got down and my knees and prayed.   I got my self to a meeting on Saturday and did everything I could to not isolate.   I went to a birthday party and had a great trime without drinking.  I laughed harder than I have in a while.   I am going to come to peace with this obsession to poison myself.  My new tact is: I AM going to relapse.  This will always happen.  I need to live this truth and accept it totally.   I am going to get a sponsor tonight.  If I do not change how I live  I am going be writing a blog like this for the rest of my life. Always talking about how I "slipped" and used or drank.  The blog will end when I am in jail or dead.  That is the truth.  That is a is only a possible future though.  The other is that I get whole and healthy and then in accordance with the 12th step help those who are lost like I was and then we step into the future together.
One more thing.  This is an open letter that popped into my mind when I found out that a bridge that is behind me  has totally burned down.

This is an open letter to all the people, PLACES and things that I no longer need in my life.  I grieved you.  You left a hole in my heart and it is only in retrospect that I realize that hole was left in order that better and healthier things may enter my life.  I will look back at you only to remind myself how toxic and poisonous you were for me.  So I release and let you go.  I wish you peace and whatever happiness is afforded to you.  Farewell and goodbye.
Steve

Unitl next time.
Later Tater

Keep on Keepin' On

It was suggested to me that I walk through the relapse from start to finish in great detail.
The first thing  is my current drug of choice is coracidin cough tablets.  I say current, because my DOC  has changed over the years.  I started with drinking, went to painkillers, back to drinking and ended up with cough tablets.  Ironically, I learned you could get high with cough medicine and even what meth is made of from a substance abuse class I took in college.
You have to go to the pharmacy counter for Coracidin at most places because of its abuse potential and the rate in which it is stolen I am told.. I know what places are open when and whether or not you have to go to the phamacy counter.   I don't want employees to get too used to seeing me buy the same thing over and over.   Funny I should even care what a store clerk might think when I am poisoning myself.  I wonder if I would feel more normal if I was buying a case of beer every night.   Most times I buy a pop or water to wash them down anfd maybe get a candy bar to make sure I have something in my stomach, I don't want to blow my stomach out right?  Funny I should have some health concerns while abusing a drug.  Kind of like a man in hell asking for a glass of ice water.  Once I have the tablets I can take them in my car.  The effects don't really kick in for at least an hour so it gives me a chance to get wherever I'm going without worrying about driving.  Taking in the car also allows me to throw out the box  and blister packs so there is no evidence sitting around.  I use a pen or a razor to open the blisters so I don't crush the tablets.   I call this "smurfing'"because they look like smurfberries.
It is the whole ritual I take solace in, I realize, it can't be instant gratification from the drug because it doeesn't act fast like booze or other drugs.   The ritual is me having control over something I do when I feel like things in my life are out of control.  Like getting bitched at from my mother yesterday.   I need to stop giving others power to affect what I feel and think if I have any chance of staying clean.
I did see my therapist today and then I went to an "open talk" which is where there is a speaker and family and friends are allowed to attend the meeting.   Some are good and some are not so good speakers. Today it was a not so good one.   Open talks are almost always very well atteneded and there is usuually food.  They are actually quite fun and I would suggest for anyone who has never attended a 12 step meeting to get their feet wet with an open talk.  Now is the part of the day I have to find something to do.  I have no more groups to attend for the week.  I could go to another meeting tonight.  I would like to  have a plan in place before mom gets home at 5:30 ish.
Later Tater

Get Back on That Horse.

This entry is really late today.  I was not even sure it was going to happen.  I had a relapse.  I wasn't going to say anything but this blog is all about total honesty.  The old Steve would have kept it a secret.  That was the old way of doing things. I am not that person anymore.  The funny thing is that things are starting to go great, I got some work, I was making strides in recovery.  I  was beginning to feel generally pretty good and confident that I could have a great life if i want it.   I now recognize my M.O..  Self-sabotage, I am so used to fucking things up and feeling crappy that I don't know how to handle feeling good. 
 Looking back, II have shot myself in the foot hundreds of times with botched  job opportunities,  ruined relationships and screwed life situations.   Knowing this is a huge insight for me though.  I originally thought I used today because my mom was bitching at me the moment she came home from work.  I know no one can make me use or not use. At a seminar I was at in the evening one of the presenters had been drinking, I could smell it when she was talking to me, I  thought maybe that triggered me. 
 Upon reflection on the day and my own thoughts reveal I relapsed because I was feeling too good.  I know that is twisted thinking but that is what makes me an addict and not just someone having a bad day.
I will get back on the horse that bucked me off right away and get a sponsor so I can start working my program and get rid of this stinkin' thinkin'.  That is another 12 step ditty by the way.  :>
Later Tater

Working a Program.

Today in group I finally learned what exactly what"Working Your Program" means. "Working Your Program" in AA lingo means going through the 12 steps with a sponsor. Groups and therapists and all the literature on addiction pounds it into you that you need a sponsor. A sponsor is a AA person with at least 1 year sobriety who has gone through all the steps at least once. I never knew what the big deal was, I know some people who have never had a sponsor and formally worked through the 12 steps but have managed to remain sober. Whatever works for you I say, but history and experience says the best way is the way laid out by the creators of AA. Prior to AA nothing in the history of mankind has ever been able to successfully treat alcoholism. You either died an alcoholic, spent your life in an insane asylum or even got a lobotomy. Two guys in 1932 started the group in a kitchen and laid down the basic program. Google Dr. Bob to get the full story. It is quite a tale. I truly believe AA is a divine gift to mankind. Anyway, a sponsor guides you through the 12 steps. The only step that can be done perfectly is #1. The only way to do it perfectly is to abstain from drinking and never "pick up" or use again. The remaining 11 steps are a self-improvement journey. You can use the remaining 11 steps for any situation. I truly believe if everyone did a 12 step program the world would be a much better place. It is all about becoming the best person you always knew you were deep inside.
I wasn't "getting it" about the program. Thats because the intoxicated mind and warped thinking of an addict cannot properly process the program. My mind is starting to clear up from being poisoned by drink and drug. I have to keep in mind that I have only barely even scratched the surface. In fact people in recovery will have to "work their program" for the rest of their lives if there is to be any hope of staying sober and having quality sobriety. That is why one of the most quoted sayings in AA is "One day at a time". If you try to look at sobriety any more than a day at a time or even 5 minutes at a time in early recovery, the whole prospect will seem very daunting and you are more likely to get discouraged and relapse. I have a lot of personal experience in that situation by the way, but I am getting better every day.
Anyway, I think I am done for the day I am pretty tired. I actually worked today!! It felt great to have something to get up early for and to feel useful again.
Later Tater.

A Failure to Plan is a Plan to Fail

I learned a great lesson about myself yesterday. I have tended to in a lot of ways fly through life by the seat of my pants and then wonder why things don't work out or I forget things. Due to failure to thoroughly plan my day out after church this past Sunday I was unable to attend a 12 step meeting and I didn't get to the gym until about 11 PM. I see I need to plan things out beforehand and not just assume I can do everything and then get upset when I can't or claim"Its not my fault," when things don't go my way. It is important to know you can't always get your way too. A very important lesson in recovery.
I know exactly when and where I am going to a meeting tonight which will allow me to get to the gym before 10 PM tonight. I probably don't even need to workout after shoveling 4 drives today!! Everybody watch your backs out there.
Ready for my counseling session and my group encounters this week.
Later Tater

Happy Sunday

Hello self and whomever else may find themselves reading this blog. Some people have commented that it is not wise to stop an anti-depressant cold turkey. This is very wise advice doing it with some can be dangerous. I did wean myself off over the course of a couple days. Wellbutrin if not the XR or XL variety has a short half-life so it is out of the body relatively fast while most other anti-depressants have to build up in your system. I have done this before with Wellbutrin and I personally think it has no effect on me other than make me sweat like a malaria patient and act really weird anyway. Well more weird than usual anyway!!
There was a great sermon at church today. If you ever get a chance to go to Renaissance Unity at 11 and Hoover, please do yourself a favor and go at least once. It may just change your life and your relationship with your Higher power. You can check it out on the web first or on Facebook.
Still detoxing I believe and I want to use or have a drink so badly I am pacing and eating everything in sight. I am more psychologically addicted than physically I think. When I am having real feelings any real feelings, I want to use. I have masked and numbed my feelings for so long now it is ingrained in me to reach for a chemical any chemical. This I believe is the key to my recovery, breaking that habit.
Well I am going to watch some Olympics and then the Sunday night animated shows. I have watched them almost every Sunday with one of my buddies since way before he was married and or had kids. Then tonight a midnight 12 step meeting. Enjoy the remainder of the weekend.
Later tater.

Day 3

Not too much to report today. I have strong cravings. We are having family dinner tonight, almost always one of my triggers. I must be detoxing, I feel like crap, am very anxious and can't stop eating. Hello to my new friends at Royal Oak Unity. Great bunch of Friends of Bill. If you have never been to a 12 step meeting it is powerful, a whole room full of people of different ages, sexes, occupations, and ethnicity's all with one common bond. It is the fellowship I take comfort and strength in. I would be willing to bet you could go to a meeting in any country in the world and not understand a single syllable of the language and still feel the love and acceptance.
I tried yoga this morning for the first time and it was more intense than I thought it would be. I worked up a great sweat without even really moving around a whole lot. I will definitely try it again at the next class on Wednesday.
I am going to go to a brand new meeting I have never been to tonight and then I have one night job to go to! Keep the ball rolling.
That is all for now.
Later Tater

Last Night Out

Last night was my last time "out" in 12 step lingo. I used and went to 3 bars and really paid attention to how all the settings felt. The first I bar I went to was a place where I am extremely comfortable. Al though it has new owners it is an establishment that has been around since the early 1900's. I know everyone that goes there and in fact it is almost feels like a home. I used to work there back in the day and know every square inch of it. I have slept there read my mail and had sex there. I stayed for 2 beers and watched the Olympics, or tried to, one of the regulars was in an especially chatty mood. He probably has no one else who will listen to his bullshit. I usually don't mind listening to people, I have always been a better listener than a talker. All in all no feeling of camaraderie or good times at the bar.
The second stop was at a second local watering hole that has also been around since the early 1900's. I know the owner and know probably 1 out of every4 people that go there. I talk with the bartender who I know from around town. The Olympics are on and an extremely drunk man keeps saying over and over that he can't believe he is still out past midnight. Apparently he is usually passed out well before midnight. "I am a daytime drinker" he says. As he pin balls out of the bar he is muttering that he hopes to God the grand kids don't get him up too fucking early in the morning. The experience at this establishment is not very rewarding or glowing either.
Next I go to have a couple beers at an establishment that has been around since my early twenties. It is now a hangout for the newly legal and the old timers who leer at them. I don't know anyone there. It is Karaoke night and people are singing pretty good songs, but it feels very empty. I feel like an outsider or someone invisible just observing everything.
Finally before I call it a night, I do what every drinker or user eventually ends up doing: drinking alone. I buy a single beer and go to the school that is nestled deep within my neighborhood. It is a familiar place, not only did I go to school there but I have spent many a night alone parked behind the dumpster in the parking lot with a bottle and the radio. As I knew it would be it was a very lonely experience. Whenever I am there it is easy to imagine I am all alone in the world connected to it only by the radio and my cell phone. I have been texting with my sober buddy over the course of the night to let him know where I am and to get a ride from him if need be.
When i get home I have a little something to eat and take an Ambien and watch some TV until I hear Mom get into the shower.
The evening has been a study in loneliness and alcohol abuse. I didn't get out and get crazy, I never have in terms of drinking or using. I have always been the marathon man ,I don't drink fast or get the craziest but I can always outlast most everyone. I have always waited with baited breath for the morningwhen I get up and I am all jaundiced or can't pee because my kidneys have shut down., By the grace and mystery of God my body has lasted through this abuse and i t has never happened.
My drinking and using is not normal in that I have always known it was self medicating. It was a perverted search for meaning or companionship. I recently read something in a book called " I Don't Want to Talk About it" that had the greatest definition for a problem drinker or user I have ever read. Normal people when they drink or take a drug or perform some act they are starting with a normal baseline of relative well being and the drink or drug or whatever is there to enhance or heighten the experience. When the chemical wears off or the act is done the user returns to that to that baseline. Like drinking champagne at a wedding or party. The abuser starts with no such baseline, so after the chemical wears off they are where they were before and 9 times out of time10 they feel even worse or some negative consequences result. That is my rationalization for drinking and using: I feel like shit with or without it so I might as well do it to get at least a temporary reprieve from the feeling. It almost always never works out that way but I still keep on doing it. THAT is the definition of insanity.
So tonight I am going to usher for "Complet Works of William Shakespeare" at the Baldwin in Royal Oak. There is an AA meeting in Royal Oak very nearby before the show I am going to go to. Going to a meeting in a different neighborhood and at meeting where you will probably know no one is a nervous experience. Never as bad as the very first one you go to. That is alright I need to be out of my comfort zone for this experience.
until next time .
Later Tater.

Lets Get this Party Started.

My name is Steven Melling. I am 39 years old, currently unemployed and living with my mom. I drive a 92' Dakota that was given to me in exchange for picking up dog shit, shoveling snow and performing various odd jobs for the mother of a friend.
My life is neither exciting or tragic. I exist in limbo.
I am at a point where I don't know what I want to do, where I want to go or where to even start looking to answer these questions.
This is the place where I came up with this idea for a blog.
First let me setup the scenario for you; I have been involved with a 12 step program and various other groups for the last 2 years. I have become a regular churchgoer, I am Catholic but I was schooled Lutheran and now attend a Unity Church. You see, even my spiritual life is confused and a mish - mash of paths.
I see a therapist regularly, get Chiropractic KST treatments and even energy work from a shaman.
I work out 5 days a week.
Take a barrage of vitamin supplements
Take the anti - depressant Wellbutrin.
I used to smoke I quit 6 years ago.
I used to abuse narcotics I quit that.
I used to drink heavily, beer and a shot kind of guy.
I rarely drink now but abuse cough medicine because it easy to hide and can't be detected and provides a mild dissociative hallucinogenic effect.
I attend 12 - step substance abuse meetings and groups 4-5 days a week.
I read self- help and philosophy books everyday.
I am not happy, none of these things seem able to fill the void or pain or whatever ingredient is missing in my life.
None of the groups books or methods seem to give me a sense of serenity or at least give me a clear spiritual path to take.
So I am going to do what I call the "90 days and 40 nights" experiment.
For 40 days I will ingest no mood - mind altering substances, including Wellbutrin and the Ambien I take for sleep. I will continue my vitamins but I will neither add or subtract any new ones to the regimen.
I am choosing the traditional Roman Catholic 40 days of Lenten fasting to do this.
I am also going to do the 12 step initiate ritual of 90 meetings and 90 days.
Now,I am not a big partier, I don't drink or use everyday. I don't do street drugs but I have tried many of them. Substance abuse has taken its toll both directly and indirectly in my life.
I have a DUI from 1997
Domestic Violence 2006
Assault 2008
I have been hospitalized for psychiatric care 2 times , bleeding ulcers 2times and a few nights in the ER for a panic attacks where I thought I was going to have a stroke and die.
I have destroyed or severely injured all my relationships.
I have lost my careers goals, I have 2 degrees one in Therapeutic Recreation. I thought my career would be working with the senior community or even as a nurse. I had a great nursing assistant job in an ICU step-down unit that was giving me all the background and contacts I would have needed to make a career in medicine.
I am involved with community theatre and have gone to many, many auditions. I make some money as "Slappy" the Clown, Santa Claus and a magician.
All told I have never totally immersed myself in a spiritual path or recovery system.
This will be a work in progress. I am making myself accountable publicly. I am getting honest, which anybody who has done any 12 step work knows users are not known for their honesty and forthrightness
I am going to go to groups, meetings, classes and situations that push me past my comfort zones and make me take an honest look at myself.
I am doing this for myself but if anybody can identify with me and my journey and get something they need to hear - GREAT. I am open to suggestions and advice. I am SO not technically savvy so I am going to learn to use tools to make this blog interesting.
With all that being said: February 19, 2010 is the start date . March 30, 2010 is the 40 day mark and May 19, 2010 is the 90 day mark.
I don't know where this will lead me or what I expect to discover but I am ready for the ride.