This entry is really late today. I was not even sure it was going to happen. I had a relapse. I wasn't going to say anything but this blog is all about total honesty. The old Steve would have kept it a secret. That was the old way of doing things. I am not that person anymore. The funny thing is that things are starting to go great, I got some work, I was making strides in recovery. I was beginning to feel generally pretty good and confident that I could have a great life if i want it. I now recognize my M.O.. Self-sabotage, I am so used to fucking things up and feeling crappy that I don't know how to handle feeling good.
Looking back, II have shot myself in the foot hundreds of times with botched job opportunities, ruined relationships and screwed life situations. Knowing this is a huge insight for me though. I originally thought I used today because my mom was bitching at me the moment she came home from work. I know no one can make me use or not use. At a seminar I was at in the evening one of the presenters had been drinking, I could smell it when she was talking to me, I thought maybe that triggered me.
Upon reflection on the day and my own thoughts reveal I relapsed because I was feeling too good. I know that is twisted thinking but that is what makes me an addict and not just someone having a bad day.
I will get back on the horse that bucked me off right away and get a sponsor so I can start working my program and get rid of this stinkin' thinkin'. That is another 12 step ditty by the way. :>
Later Tater
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