Lets Get this Party Started.

My name is Steven Melling. I am 39 years old, currently unemployed and living with my mom. I drive a 92' Dakota that was given to me in exchange for picking up dog shit, shoveling snow and performing various odd jobs for the mother of a friend.
My life is neither exciting or tragic. I exist in limbo.
I am at a point where I don't know what I want to do, where I want to go or where to even start looking to answer these questions.
This is the place where I came up with this idea for a blog.
First let me setup the scenario for you; I have been involved with a 12 step program and various other groups for the last 2 years. I have become a regular churchgoer, I am Catholic but I was schooled Lutheran and now attend a Unity Church. You see, even my spiritual life is confused and a mish - mash of paths.
I see a therapist regularly, get Chiropractic KST treatments and even energy work from a shaman.
I work out 5 days a week.
Take a barrage of vitamin supplements
Take the anti - depressant Wellbutrin.
I used to smoke I quit 6 years ago.
I used to abuse narcotics I quit that.
I used to drink heavily, beer and a shot kind of guy.
I rarely drink now but abuse cough medicine because it easy to hide and can't be detected and provides a mild dissociative hallucinogenic effect.
I attend 12 - step substance abuse meetings and groups 4-5 days a week.
I read self- help and philosophy books everyday.
I am not happy, none of these things seem able to fill the void or pain or whatever ingredient is missing in my life.
None of the groups books or methods seem to give me a sense of serenity or at least give me a clear spiritual path to take.
So I am going to do what I call the "90 days and 40 nights" experiment.
For 40 days I will ingest no mood - mind altering substances, including Wellbutrin and the Ambien I take for sleep. I will continue my vitamins but I will neither add or subtract any new ones to the regimen.
I am choosing the traditional Roman Catholic 40 days of Lenten fasting to do this.
I am also going to do the 12 step initiate ritual of 90 meetings and 90 days.
Now,I am not a big partier, I don't drink or use everyday. I don't do street drugs but I have tried many of them. Substance abuse has taken its toll both directly and indirectly in my life.
I have a DUI from 1997
Domestic Violence 2006
Assault 2008
I have been hospitalized for psychiatric care 2 times , bleeding ulcers 2times and a few nights in the ER for a panic attacks where I thought I was going to have a stroke and die.
I have destroyed or severely injured all my relationships.
I have lost my careers goals, I have 2 degrees one in Therapeutic Recreation. I thought my career would be working with the senior community or even as a nurse. I had a great nursing assistant job in an ICU step-down unit that was giving me all the background and contacts I would have needed to make a career in medicine.
I am involved with community theatre and have gone to many, many auditions. I make some money as "Slappy" the Clown, Santa Claus and a magician.
All told I have never totally immersed myself in a spiritual path or recovery system.
This will be a work in progress. I am making myself accountable publicly. I am getting honest, which anybody who has done any 12 step work knows users are not known for their honesty and forthrightness
I am going to go to groups, meetings, classes and situations that push me past my comfort zones and make me take an honest look at myself.
I am doing this for myself but if anybody can identify with me and my journey and get something they need to hear - GREAT. I am open to suggestions and advice. I am SO not technically savvy so I am going to learn to use tools to make this blog interesting.
With all that being said: February 19, 2010 is the start date . March 30, 2010 is the 40 day mark and May 19, 2010 is the 90 day mark.
I don't know where this will lead me or what I expect to discover but I am ready for the ride.