Keep on Keepin' On

It was suggested to me that I walk through the relapse from start to finish in great detail.
The first thing  is my current drug of choice is coracidin cough tablets.  I say current, because my DOC  has changed over the years.  I started with drinking, went to painkillers, back to drinking and ended up with cough tablets.  Ironically, I learned you could get high with cough medicine and even what meth is made of from a substance abuse class I took in college.
You have to go to the pharmacy counter for Coracidin at most places because of its abuse potential and the rate in which it is stolen I am told.. I know what places are open when and whether or not you have to go to the phamacy counter.   I don't want employees to get too used to seeing me buy the same thing over and over.   Funny I should even care what a store clerk might think when I am poisoning myself.  I wonder if I would feel more normal if I was buying a case of beer every night.   Most times I buy a pop or water to wash them down anfd maybe get a candy bar to make sure I have something in my stomach, I don't want to blow my stomach out right?  Funny I should have some health concerns while abusing a drug.  Kind of like a man in hell asking for a glass of ice water.  Once I have the tablets I can take them in my car.  The effects don't really kick in for at least an hour so it gives me a chance to get wherever I'm going without worrying about driving.  Taking in the car also allows me to throw out the box  and blister packs so there is no evidence sitting around.  I use a pen or a razor to open the blisters so I don't crush the tablets.   I call this "smurfing'"because they look like smurfberries.
It is the whole ritual I take solace in, I realize, it can't be instant gratification from the drug because it doeesn't act fast like booze or other drugs.   The ritual is me having control over something I do when I feel like things in my life are out of control.  Like getting bitched at from my mother yesterday.   I need to stop giving others power to affect what I feel and think if I have any chance of staying clean.
I did see my therapist today and then I went to an "open talk" which is where there is a speaker and family and friends are allowed to attend the meeting.   Some are good and some are not so good speakers. Today it was a not so good one.   Open talks are almost always very well atteneded and there is usuually food.  They are actually quite fun and I would suggest for anyone who has never attended a 12 step meeting to get their feet wet with an open talk.  Now is the part of the day I have to find something to do.  I have no more groups to attend for the week.  I could go to another meeting tonight.  I would like to  have a plan in place before mom gets home at 5:30 ish.
Later Tater