Here I Sit......

I have been drinking tonight.   No good reason to.  As if is there ever is.  :>   I would have probably had more but the last 7 eleven I was about to stop at had 2 of Fraser's finest parked in the lot.   If the that is not God telling me to stop and go home I don't know what is.  I feel lonely and like the biggest loser in the world right now.  I could call any one of my friends and my new sponsor but I don't.  I wonder how much pain does it take, how much loss does it take to make me get it?  Do I need to go to jail?  Do I need to have a doctor tell me my liver is shot and if I continue this way I won't live to see 40.   I don't know  what triggered me, I went to a group tonight and it was really good.  I met someone I haven't seen since highschool and he told me how he has been clean for 1 year now.  Some how I have made it OK to let myself down again and again and again.  Even with this blog I thought would leave me so naked and exposed that I would have no choice but to clean up.  What does it take.  Why does God keep letting me live?  What is in store for me that I have to continue to draw breath everyday?  Tommorow I will wake up and start the whole process over again.  This is what it has come down to: drinking and using and then taking a couple of days to put out the fires I've started and begin to feel normal again and then go and fuck it all up again.  THAT is insanity doing the same thing over and over again.   I am very tired and want to go to sleep.   I am going to take an Ambien.  I will get back on it tomorrow.