Superman

I have been silent for a few days, since wednesday actually.   I fell into a pattern, a trap and luckily one of my nearest and dearest pointed it out to me.   It is all well and good that I have been going to all the 12 step meetings,groups classes, reading the literature, praying and meditating.  It all means nothing if you don't put it all into action.  In fact in the 12 steps the first 3 are admission, surrender and asking for help steps. The next 4 through 9 are action steps where you take all you have learned and start to live again.  I was stalled on the first 3.   The whole 12 step is based on constant action and growth.  I have been going through my life thinking I can't really begin to live until "all my ducks are in  a row".  Those duck never line up perfectly or even show up at the same time.  It is insane to think I have any control over those ducks anyway.   The point being I was walking around assuming that all my heroes and people I admire somehow had some knowledge that I lacked that enabled them to grow at the same time as living a life, having a careeer,raising kids, doing great things.  I failed to realize none of us are perfect.  I thought everyone else was somehow a little more perfect than I could ever be.  As far I as I know, none of us on the mortal realm have ever been anything close to perfect except for one of us who lived and died to show us what we can be and that it is OK to be flawed.  That is our gift that God gave us above all His other creations:  free will.  Without it we would be just another animal that lives and dies, fulfulling its part in the web of life.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I am avid collector of comic books.  My favorite has always been Superman.   He has all these vast powers and abilities that could enable him to have anything a man could ever want or need for.  Instead he uses them for good and considers it his responsibility to do so.   I have failed to realize he has evolved over the years.  He stll has all his powers but now he tries to balance them by having a job, spending time with his family and friends  and doing all the things that make life interesting and exciting.  I know it is pretty weird for a grown man to talk about Superman like he is real.  I have always been paralyzed by the fact I will never have super powers and realistically devote all my life and energies to service.  My addictive all or nothing thinking has told me that if I can't live up to some ideal of what I think a person needs to do to be "good" I may as well not do anything.
I went to a meeting on Satrurday night where this whole table was talking about how they have lost their jobs , have kids who are in crisis and all sorts of other things going on in their lives but they still practice a spiritual program and take their time out to do service work and help others.  They have balance.  You can't do it all and just because you aren't Superman doesn't mean you can't be a hero.  You don't have to be doing huge things to make a difference
I was approaching this blog project as sort of a task that when I was done then I would be free.  I have been waiting for someone or something else to tell me how to live.  I have been searching outside of myself for things to make me feel whole and serene.  How twisted is that, you should never reach a point where you say "OK I am here I made it".  Life is a journey not a destination.  I will add more to this tomorrow.  My mom saids she needs to get online.  So, off I go to do karate in the garage.