It was a great weekend I got some day work helping to clean out a house. I made some badly needed money, thus provng that if you have faith you will get what you need when you need it. I also got to work on a show, "Streetcar Named Desire" at the Baldwin Theatre in Royal Oak. If you get the chance I highly recommend seeing it. The acting is superb and the set is one of the most elaborate I have ever seen. The stage version of Streetcar is very intense. Even though I've seen it 5 times now and know the plot, I am still moved by it every time. Anyway, I am doing curtains and helping with props. Theatre has been one of my most favorite thing to be involved with since I was 19. I discovered it junior college and it has changed my life. I was painfully shy when I did my first show. I am still fairly shy. I have met so many people and made so many great friends.
I have been completely clean and sober for 17 days now. This is the most consecutive days of being clean since 2006!! My emotions are running high, I have found myself getting alternately angry, sad, melancholy and happy almost uncontrolably. I am certain it is because I have masked my emotions and numbed myself to them for so long. The repressed energy from all those years is surfacing. It is a rollercoaster but I am told it is normal and will pass.
My next task is my 4th step that I mentioned the other day in the blog. My sponsor said I was ready and I feel ready to face the ugly truth about who I REALLY am. I have read the literature about it all weekend and have mulled it over extensively. Tomorrow I am going to put pen to paper and exorcise my demons.
I let you know how it goes.
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17 days!!! Rockin'!
ReplyDeleteBe aware of the events that swing your mood one way or the other. There are things to learn about them. Find and record the triggers that get you there so you can figure out ways to deal with them as they come (or avoid them altogether) instead of repressing them and letting them get the best of you. Even the happy moments can put you in a place that perhaps you'd be better off not being in. Enjoy the happy, savor the feeling, share it with a friend. Don't let it give you a delusion of invincibility. I know what I am trying to say - not sure if it is coming out the way I want it to. Think of the dieter who has lost 20 pounds and says to themselves "I've been good, I can have that piece of cake."
I'm glad you are finding things that give you a sense of belonging and that you can contribute to the world. Knowing that you have people in your life that are willing to lend a hand is huge. I've been in the "all alone" space and it can be very consuming of one's soul. While this is a battle between yourself and your demons, it is OK to ask for help. Being able to lean on someone for just a moment to catch your breath is sometimes all you need to get through a tough moment.
Again, Steve, I am very impressed with your bravery and I look forward to reading your blog entries. I have my own struggles in life and I am inspired by your determination.
I think you will be pleasantly surprised when you complete the 4th step and find that you really do have a lot of positive characteristics. This blog is proof of several. Aside from the bravery it takes to write this and to work towards recovery, your writing skills are pretty good! ;) Remember to inventory all of the little things. They add up.
Keep on keepin' on, and if you need an ear - give me a jingle.