Spring is definitely in the air today. When the first sunny, warm days of Spring finally arrive and the plants are starting to grow and everybody is going outside again it is hard to imagine when it was the dead of winter and it seemed like the sun would never shine again and the world is dead. Life is dynamic, always changing. Sometimes when things are bad it is hard to remember what being happy ever felt like. Life itself goes through seasons.
I've changed, I don't know how much and I am even afraid to acknowledge it for fear I was just imagining it or wishful thinking.
During a group this morning we were discussing feelings and how to experience and manage them in a healthy way be those feelings bad or good. There really are no "bad" feelings per se. What makes a feelings good or bad is how we react and deal with them. If you are wondering why we would be discussing feelings, addicts are notorious for numbing our feelings or dealing with them in very unhealthy ways. Once you start getting some clean time and you start feeling again it is not uncommon to want to use to avoid them. You re-experience or perhaps feel fully for the first time grief, anger, remorse or anything really. It can be scary.
Anyway, during the group one fellow just couldn't understand how you can go about learning how to feel again or change bad coping skills. The answer to that by the way is practice. 12 step programs and therapy are invaluable for doing just that. This guy refuses to attend 12 step meetings and thinks therapy is for "pussies", as he stated. The only reason he attends this particular group is because he is court ordered to and he makes no qualms about stating that fact. Listening to him and sensing his inability to grasp the concept of learning to express feelings in a healthy way and refusal to accept help reminded me of where I was. I fought getting help for a long time and I blamed everything that is wrong in my life on everyone else but me. I suddenly realized how far I have come. I have changed. I had thought that who we are, and how we think were attributes that were firmly in place by the time we are 16 and are basically inmmutable. I thought that only a near death experience or something terribly traumatic like going to war could change a person on a fundamental level. I am glad to report that I was dead wrong about that.
Believe me I am not being arrogant or looking down on that guy or anyone else. I was suddenly just made aware of how I have changed. I feel like I am finally getting a start on the right path. I am looking forward to learning more and more and I pray that everyone out there who is lost and suffering finds their way too.
Happy spring everyone!!
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That mad was at the meeting for a purpose; he was there to make you aware that denial, resistance and passing judgment onto others is useless in the pursuit of recovery. Or in the pursuit of anything for that matter.
ReplyDeleteI do not know you well, Steve, but in reading your thoughts and the process of your journey I see you slowly becoming aware of how each and every moment in life is a challenge and I see you beginning to realize that you are gaining the strength to be able to face those challenges and conquering them. I see you understanding that there are challenges that you will need to battle again and again before you overcome them, and I see you learning that just because you may not conquer it on the first try you do have the resolve to keep trying until you can place the flag on top of that mountain that says "I did it."
I hope you continually reread your posts on a daily basis from start to finish. Doing this will be a reminder of each of those moments of weakness, the moments of clarity, the moments of triumph... People often say about bad events "it's done, get over it, move on." This is unwise, I believe. Leaving things in the past and never revisiting them to remind yourself of the lessons you have learned does nothing to move you forward. You can leave the baggage behind, but you need to fill a little satchel full of lessons learned and keep it with you at all times.
I'm very proud of you (even though I don't know you very well) and am very impressed, moved and in awe of your bravery.
I think about you everyday and send out a little "give him strength" vibe. I hope you have been getting those messages.
Continue on...
That was supposed to say That MAN at the meeting.
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